Monday, January 25, 2010

"Lord, I am ready!"


So this year I can feel is going to be a good year for me.  I don't think it will be easy by any means, but I really feel that my progression towards freedom and healing will be significantly dented through out the year.  I can already feel the Lord at work! He's doing some rearranging, some heavy-lifting, some major organizing inside me.  I feel like He's the clean house person and He's throwing out the old, used, worn, not needed things that just create massive clutter and provides a good home for ucky creepy things.  Like mice and spiders, cockroaches, beetles, bugs, ans... you get the point. 

How do I know? It started a few weeks ago.  I mentioned I was at a standstill in my previous blogs.  It was really hard to worship, hard to stay focused, hard to stay on the path, hard to fight off temptations. One of the Tuesdays we had a Worship Team get-together.  We basically spent the time to focus as a group what is needed to improve as leaders.  After many moments of discussion, we were presented with a challenge.  A challenge to really know God.  Not just, "Hi! What's your name?" type, but the sincere, deep down, heartfelt ernesty to really know God.  To know what He likes, what He hates, what He does during the day, how He reacts to situations, what His favorite things are, does He have a favorite color? These are all questions we would try to know if were becoming friends with someone.  Why not try to know these things about God?

This really hit home for me.  I knew it needed to be done.  I knew that I was not trying hard enough to really know God and who He is.   I was given a week to kind of dwell on that.  By the next week I had a meeting with my accountability partner (from Mercy).  We had fallen out of touch there for a few months and it had been a while.  Anyways.  She opened up a can of worms for me.  What she told me came from God.  It had to have been because I had never felt so ashamed in my life.  I couldn't look at her, I hid my face with anything I could possibly find.  It was PRIDE.  Augh! Stupid PRIDE!! Anyways even though I had known I needed to work on pride, what God said to her for me hit home again.  I started crying, and we both and an emotional time together.  She told me that she felt like a layer of my brick/cement wall fell down.  (hypothetically) And to be honest, I really felt that too.  She told me that it was like the wall was low enough that she could finally see my eyes.  After that meeting, I felt like I could actually see the world now, because that wall was low enough for my eyes to see.  It was such an amazing feeling.  So hard to explain. 

Again I was given another week to kind of dwell on all of these new revelations.  Than just yesterday, I was talking with a friend from Church, who seriously has tremendous insight. God has worked on her so much that she is able to help people out.  She basically confirmed all of my revelations again! GOD! You seriously out-do yourself! It brought tears to my eyes again.  But since I am still prideful, I hate crying in front of people so I made that stop the second my eyes got full of water.  To cry this much is seriously not common for me.  I don't cry.  Emotions? What Emotions? Oh you mean the crap I stuffed like a pillow down in my soul? I forgot about those! Wait...Was I supposed to do something with those??? 

I am eager. I am extremely eager to find out what's going to happen next.  At the same time, I am sort of fearful of what emotions may come out and the extreme vulnerability that may come across me.   I was reading my bible again last night, (that right there is a miracle!) And out of the continuation of the story of Daniel. One line stood out to me.  But that one line was all I needed...

"...and those that walk in pride, He is able to humble."
Daniel 4:37

1 comment:

  1. "After that meeting, I felt like I could actually see the world now, because that wall was low enough for my eyes to see." Kelley... that is AWESOME!!

    I love you, and you are really doing so many things in your heart, as your are pursuing God's. Ahhh. So exciting!

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