Monday, March 1, 2010

What's My Calling?

All my life, All I have ever loved to do more than anything is to Sing.  Sing in the shower, on my keyboard, burst into song if someone says a lyric in one of their sentences, sing at church, at weddings and much more.  It's been my life basically, I started singing before I can even remember.

My mother told me once that she used to sing to me a lot when she was pregnant with me, this must have done something because every time my mother would sing when I was little, I would just hug her and put my ear to her stomach and listen to her sing.  As you can see, singing started the moment I was in my mother's stomach. 

I've always had this dream to be able to have a career where I can use this talent.  I know I would just love it.  So I tried going to college for Music and because of loans I just couldn't afford it.  No loan lenders would accept me.  I think the one lender that did was going to charge me $1,300 in fee's, and a 23% variable interest rate.  My children's children would still be paying off that loan if I took that! As a result 5 years of trying to go to College for Music started drifting by, like a leaf on the river.  My hopes were slowly draining out of me overtime. 

I've had all the thinking that could possibly become of this situation pop up in my brain.  I've thought that maybe I'm just not supposed to go to college, I've thought maybe I'll just have to do it one class at a time and graduate when I'm 40, I've thought maybe God was telling me Music is not what He wants me to go for, or that the college I was trying for is not the one God wants me to go to.   I've even had my fair share of bitter thoughts overwhelm me at even the mention of NorthCentral or College, or when someone wins the Powerball. 

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday at Church.  She goes to NorthCentral.  She was saying that she heard the Chapel Pastor at NCU say that sometimes what your good at is not your calling.  If singing isn't my calling...then what is? Where do I go from here? What do I even do? I have no backup plan.  I just know and feel from the bottom of my heart that I am not supposed to be at my mediocre temp corporate jobs the rest of my life.  I'm meant for something.  Something bigger and better than I ever imagined.  I'm not saying I'm going to be the next Billy Graham or anything.  Definitely not that, but something. 

I feel like a high school senior who's trying to figure out what to do after High School.  Why am I feeling this at 22? At 22 I am supposed to have graduated from College and be working towards something.  I'm back to the very beginning with absolutely nothing coming across my mind as to what to do in life.  I've had so many different options, like daycare, teacher, interior designer, architect, flight attendent, hair stylist, Mary Kay consultant, and even the boring business degree.  (which I couldn't go to school for anyways) :) But I find the more options people give me, the more I get confused.  Because I really could do any of these.  But there's only one that God wants out of like... a bajillion other choices. 

So I guess I have a lot of thinking and praying to do.  This whole, "Letting God take control" thing is HARD.

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