Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Honesty With A Sincere Heart

I've been blessed, extremely blessed.  I've been learning a lot of things, and growing in my walk with the Lord.  He's been so good to me, words can not express how thankful I am to my Heavenly Father.  But... questions arise within me. 

I am going to be honest, having gone to Mercy Ministries to finally get "rid" of my problem with overeating, I am able to say, I still fall weakness to this temptation.  I rebuke it in Jesus Name! (Don't want the devil to get a hold of what I just said) Since my 1 1/2 years after Mercy, I've struggled with it on and off and my God has really been helping me along this path. Take for instance, something amazing happened a few weeks ago at Church and I really felt the God just gave me Mercy over my addiction and renewed me, just refreshed me to a new beginning.  It's been tremendous since then.  I have felt that I just got off a long healthy fast.  Eating was not even a problem after that, I can't begin to describe how wonderful it was.  God is just so unfathomably amazing. He's done so much in my life.  But the past couple days I have been my old self again.  It leads me to thinking, "What went wrong? What did I do? Did I not read my bible enough? Did I not pray enough? Did I not do this? Did I not do that? Why did I just eat this?" and all the thoughts that come along side that.  It was really confusing to me when I realized my errors in eating.  I kept thinking that I ruined what happened on that Sunday a few weeks ago.  Why can't what happened be a permanent fix? Eating is just so hard for me.  In all honesty, this problem is just too much for me.  I'm extremely sick of it, tired of fighting it, but yet somehow at peace because I feel as though I have been able to depend on God way more in trying to fix this problem. 

I have to wonder if I will ever get a permanent fix for my emotional eating or will I be having my good days and bad days the rest of my life. Will I ever get to the point where God has completely freed me from this problem or at least enough to make the good days far outweigh the bad days? I'm not too sure of these answers.  I guess I'll just have to keep taking it one day at a time like I've been doing and always realize,  This problem IS too big for me, I must always depend on God.  It is only because of Jesus that I have gotten as far as I am.  I never would have dreamed to be here today and having accomplished so much.  But do you know what? It's not even been how God has been helping me in my problems but the best part is how close we have gotten through out all of this.  I've been praying to get closer to God since I was a little girl.  I'm finally to the point where I've become vulnerable enough to God to let him completely in my life.  Give everything to Him.  Even the things I completely hold dear.

2 comments:

  1. Girl, you inspire me in so many different ways. You are so honest with yourself, with God, AND with others. You aren't afraid to say that you're struggling. You take it, you name it, you denounce it.

    I love you.

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  2. I totally understand this- I'm so tired of the ups and downs, as well!

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