Monday, June 27, 2011

Control? Or Not Control? That Is The Question

Thoughts weigh around me, thoughts of life, and how things work.  Thoughts of quick fixes and magic wands to make things disappear.  Yet, as I think about these things, I think about my road and journey life has taken me on.  When my healing journey started about 3 years ago as I left for Mercy Ministries in Louisiana, I remember walking into those doors and having so much faith for what was ahead.  I went to Mercy Ministries with the intention to get healing, to be restored from my eating disorder, to be skinny in a sense.   I had this dream that I when I would walk out of those doors on Graduation day, I would be a whole new skinny person.  One who would be free.  But my Lord had different plans.  

When I graduated Mercy Ministries, I was on FIRE for God.  What He did there was nothing short of a miracle.  It was the healthiest I had ever been physically, emotionally and spiritually.  The two years after Mercy Ministries leading to today have had their up's and down's with my eating disorder.  I held on for a good year after Mercy Ministries.  I tried so hard to keep what I learned in effect.  I was miraculously able to manage my weight and not fluctuate by gaining and losing.  Yet when I think about how my life has gone out of control once again just in these past two months, I do acknowledge that my eating disorder is still not letting go and is in fact, part of the reason why I am struggling.  

Looking back, I have done everything humanly possible to get healing for this.  I have prayed, I have cried, I have read my bible, I have dropped everything to enter into a Christian treatment program, I got an accountability partner, I went into counseling, I have stayed involved by going to church and life groups, I've forgiven people, broken spiritual vows made as a child, I've relived my horrible childhood memories that haunt me so that they can be worked on, I have leaned on God as he guides me through this.  Yet as I sit here today, I still struggle with my eating disorder.  Did I miss something? Did I not pray hard enough? Did I not listen and act upon something God has requested me to do? Did I not read my bible enough, Did I this, Did I that? 

There is only one possible conclusion for these questions.  I am missing something big, something major, the one thing that can and will turn my life around.  CONTROL.  All this time, I've been working hard because that is what I've learned how you fix problems.  When it comes down to it, God needs control of my life, I need to give up control.  I've basically been telling Him that He can work around my schedule for healing.  Albeit none of this was intentional, and if you had asked me if I was doing all of this with the right motive when this was all happening I would have innocently said yes, because I really did think I was.  Yet, no matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I pray or read my bible every day, God is the only one who can bring my healing, no matter how many treatment programs, or counseling sessions I attend, God is the ONLY one who can bring my healing.  And you know what? I give up.  I am burnt out from fighting this.  Everything with in me is fried, it's time I learn to lean upon the solid rock, my foundation, the One who can give me energy when I have none, the One who holds the key to my freedom.  

Here I am Lord, I am yours.  

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