Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Meaningless Insecurities

Being overweight, or as the medical industry would call it, Morbidly Obese, has taught me many things in life.  Food has been my comforting cushion to fall back on in times of trouble.  It's now that I finally realize how extremely hard it is going to be to tear my self away from this emotional bondage.  As one who has been morbidly obese all my life, it has protected me from many things.  The main thing it has protected me from is heartbreaking relationships with men.  Because most of the men in my life couldn't get past the overweight factor, it's now I realize that they wouldn't have been a good person to date anyways.  If they couldn't like me for who I am and not how much I weigh, than it's probably for the best that my heart was broken in the beginning. 

To be brutally honest, although it has protected me from some of those things, it has also held me back and prohibited a lot of good things in my life.  Due to the fact that I have been heartbroken by men who couldn't see my past my weight, my insecurities are high.  It's here where the feelings of never being good enough, never being pretty enough, never being skinny enough, where emotional games and tricks play out.  Thoughts of if I had were just 60 pounds lighter, he would have dated me consistently envelope my mind. 

It's sad to say, but insecurities are a major part of my life.  There is not a minute that goes by where I don't think about how my stomach protrudes, or my pants are too tight, or how I feel my whole body jiggle as I walk.  Sometimes I feel as though this were an outer jacket I could just unzip and my true skinny self would be revealed.  The fact is, it isn't.  This is not something that can just magically disappear, no matter how hard I wish, beg, or pray, I wake up in the morning who I am.  The mirror still tells me and reminds me that I'm fat.  Sometimes even just walking down the street, I can feel the weight of people's judgements fall upon me.  
"Forgive and forget," One might say.  "Who cares what people think, Kelley," Another might say.  You are absolutely right.  Forgive and forget, who cares what people think, but in reality, I do.  I'd like to say, I'm perfect and the thoughts of those judging me don't affect me, but they in every way do.  The other day as I was hauling things from my car to the house, a group of teenage boys drove by and yelled, "You have a huge A**!"  One day, parking at the MOA (Mall of America) an adult male yelled out from his car, "Fatty!"  I can think of a few more, "Fatso, Blimp, Kelley Belly, Cow, Pig, Tub-a-lard" not to mention endless more.  I'd like to think those don't hurt me, but they do.  Forgive and Forget, Who cares what people think.   I'll try my hardest, I'll give it my best. 

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