Monday, July 2, 2012

Freedom Comes With A Price

When I think of seasons, I think of Fall, Winter, Spring, and summer.  Lately, I haven't been thinking about the weather, but about the seasons in life.  I find it so interesting that one day, week, month, or year in your life can be so great, phenomenal perhaps. Yet, the next year can be so opposite.  I want to start out by saying, I have so much to be thankful for.  I am blessed beyond measure.  My life has been nothing short of wonderful.  Still, there are times when one just wants hide in the corner because she just doesn't think she can do it anymore.  It's the weakest moment in a person's life.  When all strength, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually have been drained.  What happens then? I find the obvious answer that comes to my head is, "Press into God, He will supply your strength for you." It's so true, yet so hard to do.  It's in those moments where I am the weakest, pressing into God is the least thing I want to do.  I want to cry, wine, whimper, and pout.  Fortunately, crying, whining, whimpering, and pouting are not in my immediate vocabulary.  I have never been one to cry, although funerals get me every time.  Still, I find that my sense of rebellion is heightened when I am weak and tired.  Wanting all the fighting to be over, wanting more than ever to say, "I AM FREE!!!" Yet, I find myself trapped to the person of my past.  It's like a sneaky lion, preying on me when I least expect it.  Always there, persistently telling me that who I once was, who I fought so hard NOT to be, was better.  That it made me happier.  I remember those days, how could I not? Trapped, depressed, lonely, and scared.  The only time I was remotely close to happy was for those few short moments when I would fall prey to the sins of my addiction.

One thing has kept me going, a promise.  A promise of freedom.  That there was light at the end of the tunnel through Christ, I would not be in this season of life forever, because God would get me out of it somehow.  Even when I think I had lost all hope, there was still a little flame burning inside of me that gave me that extra grip to hang on.  It wasn't just any promise, it was something I could believe in, someone I could trust in.  One in whom I knew whose words have always been kept.  God saw me that day, a 22 year old girl bringing her white slip of paper to the cross.  An exercise where we were told to write what we came to church that day for and give it to the Lord.  Only one word could I think of,  and one word only, "Freedom".  I want freedom from my eating disorder.  I'll never forget when Pastor Tom came to me a few minutes later and said, "I really feel God wants me to tell you, 'Yes.' I don't know what it's for but I keep hearing, 'Yes.'" How could he have known? I told no one? But I knew. It was most surely from God.  

I'm here to tell you amidst my own doubts, that one day I will write on this blog in big bold caps, "I AM FREE!!!" I will tell everyone how God has saved me, and gave me my life back because I know that when God speaks, his words never come back void.  Pray for me, for I have a journey ahead of me.  As the our nations Independence Day draws near, you very well know that Freedom comes with a price.  So does mine.


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