Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A Servant's Heart

I was quite bored yesterday...while my phone and iPod were on vacation at my house, and me at work with no work, you can see the situation can't you? :) By lunch time I was going crazy. I was thinking I would just chug around Target to try and cure my boredom for my lunch hour. I didn't really want to though. On the way to Target I noticed Half Price Books and have been curious to check it out for a long time so I put on my blinker and went in the turning lane to get into the parking lot. Needless to say, I found like 5 books for only $17!! Yay!! 3 Mary Higgins Clark books, $1 each!! (oh yes! Bring on the murder mysteries!), 1 John Bevere book, Driven by Eternity. (I missed out when my church did it), and one that I was particularly interested in, a Charles Swindoll book called David: A Man of Passion & Destiny. I think the name David just caught my eye considering I am reading 1 Samuel right now. I was too excited to read it that I read the first chapter at work...(I know, I know) But MAN! What a first chapter that was! There was so much in there that spoke to me. One that spoke to me so much that I thought I would share this with you. This next paragraph is in reference to the 3 qualities David had, The first was spirituality, humility(servant hood), and integrity.

"It should also be noted that servant doesn't care who gets the glory. Remember that. A servant has one great goal, and that is to make the person he serves look better, to make that person even more successful. A servant does not want the person he serves to fail. A servant doesn't care who gets the glory, just so the job gets done." (Charles Swindoll, David: A Man of Passion & Destiny)
Wow. Just Wow. Here we are called to be God's servant and sometimes we expect God to serve us! That's not what we are on earth for. I know I have to reevaluate my thoughts and habits to better serve my God. If that paragraph doesn't make us want to stop thinking of ourselves and think of God, I don't know what will.

Monday, March 29, 2010


I feel like I could just wring the devil by his ugly unsightly neck. :) It would give me such pleasure.  But revenge is the Lords, and oooooooh how I will bask in the day when that revenge is taken out. Devil... you goin down! to da ground! That's right.... I said it! You better call your decorater and make it homey because you stayin in hell for a loooooooooooooooooooooong time.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Hannah's Story

I was reading 1 Samuel last night.  First of all, I really admire Hannah.  How she handled the situation was amazing! I just really love it.  I suppose it doesn't hurt to go into detail of why I admire her... :) Let me give you a brief summary.

Hannah was barren.  The Lord has closed her womb and she had been unable to bare children for her husband.  She was taunted by people endlessly regarding the subject.  She was deeply grieved by all of this to the point where she would just weep and weep.  She was downcast all the time and wasn't eating.  She brought her grief to the Lord and prayed so hard, or as the bible says, "poured out her soul" to God.  She was praying so intensely and in such a way the priest thought she was drunk! She prayed for God to give her a son, and if He did, she would give her son to the Lord to be used by Him.  But what catches my eye was the fact that after she prayed, she got up, lifted her head, walked away and even ate something.  The bible says she was no longer downcast.  I've noticed that in my prayer life, where something will bother me, I bring my requests up to God and even after I've done so, I still think about it and can become "downcast" about it.  But what Hannah did, she walked out of that prayer session with faith, knowing that she had done what she could, knowing that God would answer her prayers.  She believed with all her heart.  If she didn't, she wouldn't have walked out of there the way she did. 

What makes me admire Hannah even more was after she had her son, Samuel, she didn't just keep her son and hold onto him, but she kept her end of the deal.  She gave Samuel to the Lord, he lived with the priest...

For something she wanted so badly all of her life, It's amazing that she was able to give him up to God.  What she did right there said to me, that yes, she loves her son with all her heart, but she loved God more and is willing to give him to the Lord as a sacrifice, a gravely humble and submissive act.  Because of Hannah's faith and sacrifice, the Lord blessed Hannah with more sons and daughters to replace the one she humbly gave up. Amazing.  As I said before, I highly admire Hannah.  She was a great woman of God, and I can't wait to meet her in Heaven someday. 

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Little Bit Of Psalms

"Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev.  Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."
Psalm 126:4-6

"Unless the Lord builds the house, it's builders labor in vain."
Psalm 127:1

"But the Lord is righteous; He has cut me free from the cords of the wicked."
Psalm 129:4

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.  My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130:5-6

"My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.  But I have tilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.  O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore."
Psalm 131:1-3

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever."
Psalm 138:8

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Psalm 139:13-14

"But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge-do not give me over to death."
Psalm 141:8

"Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name."
Psalm 142:7

"...The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made."
Psalm 145:13

"Praise the Lord. Praise God in his sanctuary; Praise him in his mighty heavens.  Praise him for his acts of power; Praise him for his surpassing greatness.  Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with tambourine and dancing, praise him with the strings and flute, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals.  Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.  Praise the Lord."
Psalm 150:1-6

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I'm checking out the new mobile upload version of blogger.  We'll see if it works!!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Today Is The Day

I was overflowing with Joy last night that in actually lasted through the morning! I can't believe today marks my 1 year anniversary of graduating Mercy Ministries! (http://www.mercyministries.org/) It's crazy to think I was in Louisiana a year ago.  It's crazy to think that that WAS a year ago! Man! Time flies!

The joy was so overwhelming that I was remembering vivid memories of some fun times at Mercy. I ended up texting a Mercy Sister at 11:00 last night to remind her of one of those memories! I hope I didn't wake her! :)

Mercy Ministries changed my life.  I can admit to the would-a-should-a-could-a's that accompany that 6 months journey but never-the-less, it was well worth it.  It got me closer to God, more so than ever before, It brought me these amazing tribulations from the past few weeks, I haven't binged in a year and half! A miracle? I'd say so! The person I was walking into the doors of Mercy Ministries is completely different than the person I am now.  I'm okay and I'm on my way! (in the famous words of Joyce Meyer).  I know Mercy was the first step for me, It was the first act of obedience that proved to God that I was ready, ready for the hard stuff, the meticulous refining process as God performs open heart surgery to remove my impurities. 

I'm so thankful to God that He saved me, not just once but multiple times.  He's saving me everyday. I am a new creation! I'll always remember this verse,

"I am crucified with Christ, and yet I live, not I, but Christ who lives within me" Galatians 2:20

Here are some photo's of my Mercy Journey...

The "Electric Eel" we found in the pool one day
Mall Day!!! Stephanie, Ivy and I
Me and Ruth Ann
Founder and President of Mercy Ministries, Nancy Alcorn came to visit
On Christmas Break, we all happened to dress in purple that day!!
We got treated to Sonic!!
Savannah and I while we were at the Addison Road Concert
My last Mall day before I graduated, Sharon and I
The Staff praying for me at my Graduation Ceromony
Before I left home, one last picture with my roomies, Stephanie and Sara

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Highly Encourage

I know a lot of times people think that the word, "counseling" is just a bad word, it should never be mentioned, it's taken as a curse, and we often times reject the thought of it. A lot of people think, that counseling is for those who have bigger problems then your own. I beg to differ actually.  I think that we have been actually programmed to not be independent and to actually rely on counsel, whether it be from God, other people, your friends, your family, or even your counselor.  I think that one of the biggest misconceptions of people today is that they think that we are supposed to keep our problems to ourselves, that no one cares about their own problems.  I again, beg to differ. I think that by keeping our problems to ourselves we are actually saying, I am perfect, I don't need any help, I can do this on my own, I know how to deal with my own problems, I don't need anyone else's help, especially God's. Now obviously I am not saying everyone needs to go call the 1-800 hotline and book an appointment with the nearest counselor, I simply mean that a lot of times, God divinely puts people in our lives to help us, give us some words of wisdom, or to speak from God's own heart. 

I recently joined the Prayer Counseling ministry at my church.  This ministry is out there and available for people to come and get some prayer, have people listen to what you have to say, and ultimately give you some encouragement and Godly direction.  I do have to mention that this particular ministry does not have licensed counselors, but man! They sure are in tune with what God is telling them!

For me, I knew that God wanted me to get involved with this ministry.  So it was definitely needed and definitely the right time.  I actually like counseling. To be able to talk about what I am going through has been so helpful.  Especially because I used to never let people know my problems.  I used to be the problem stuffer. Now, I have 22 years of emotions to sift through. Because of this I have been able to open up to some very dear and close friends of mine, which in turn has actually made me feel closer to them.  For me, the sense of having a friend makes all the difference in the world. I've had friends, I've had people I see at only church, or only school, or only work, but never that friend who will sit there and comfort you when you are down, hug you when you are crying, kick your behind when you do something stupid, and celebrate with you when you've accomplished something.  I've experienced this new found friendship with in the past few months and it has been wonderful.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Reading Psalms

You know, If you ever need help praising God... Umm yeah. Psalms is like totally full of praises. :) I'm finding it rejuvinating to my spirit if I say the psalms out loud to God.  And guess what!?!? I've been reading at night and.... I haven't fallen asleep! Now THAT is a miracle. Normally reading the bible at night is like a tape your eyes open type thing but for some reason I am wide awake when I am reading now.  I love it. Yay!

I have even been going to bed at decent times lately.  Which again is a miracle because I can be such a night owl at night, my mind goes crazy with thoughts.  Before I know it it's midnight and I'm supposed to get up at 6:00.  Course, I just usually make up the time by snoozing till the absolute last minute.  So I have been going off of 8 hours of sleep, I haven't done that in a long time.

I know this is all really interesting talking about my bedtime, but this'll have to do till I can find something more to write! :)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Song of Songs

I found it interesting that God wanted me to read Song of Songs yesterday...at 2:30 in the morning! :) I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep and I felt that He was impressing me to read.  I found this verse that I thought was so critical and it happened to be repeated 3-4 times through out the book. 

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the doe's of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Song of Songs 2:7

Often times, especially in my case, when someone has been single as long as I have (try 22 years) :) A women tends to get lonely.  A lot of times we wait for our prince charming to come and take us away on his noble steed as we ride of into the sunset together and live happily ever after.  I'm guilty, A girl has her dreams! From my childhood, the only thing I have ever wanted to be was a mother.  I remember being in the class room when the teacher had asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. All the other students had lovely jobs which were great to aspire for, but I said, "I want to be a mother when I grow up."  But this dream so often steps in between God and I.  Sometimes I have that feeling that everything will be fine and dandy and great once I find a husband.  But everyone knows, marriage is not a Cinderella story. 

I think this is yet another thing I need to give up, I can always aspire to be that childhood dream but, like many other things, if it becomes more important than God, it's an idol.  I'm choosing this day to let God take control of this dream.  He knows everything, so He knows who my husband is, when he will come to me, and most importantly, when I am ready for him.  Why anxiously obsess about finding the guy on my own? God is in control after all, isn't he?

These words seem to be a theme for these past several days, "Just let it go, It will be okay." Again, I am going to surrender this dream to my Lord and focus on working on me in the meantime.  I'm going to just, Let it go.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Feeling Normal Today

Yesterday was pretty bad.  Although it was strongly needed, I was in a pretty big depression yesterday.  I honestly have never felt like that in my whole life.  It almost felt as though  22 years of crap came up in that depression yesterday.  The deep pain in my heart almost seemed physical instead of emotional.  I'm calling it a healthy emotion because it was something I needed to feel at the time considering the circumstances.  If it had lasted longer than that I would have been worried.  But today seems almost normal, although I am still a little down and touchy on the crying part. I am actually doing a lot better than yesterday.  I know God has got His mighty hand over this situation.  I know everything will turn out great.  I know I will get through this trial period in my life.  There still is a long road ahead, a long emotional road.  I'm not necessarily looking foward to the trials that it entails but I am looking foward to that glimer of freedom I am starting to see miles down the road.  This area of my life will no longer have a hold on me.  I'm declaring that God takes it and makes me whole. 

Online Diary

I recently just found out that I can create an online personal diary that no one can see.  I am pretty happy! Hopefully this will finally get me to write things down that are on my mind that maybe everyone can't know about.  Sorry I know you are all curious but...It's personal :) haha!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Giving it all up

It has come to a point in my life where things I love the most I need to sacrificially give up so that my God can be number 1 in my life.  It's been an emotional rollercoaster this past week ranging from complete overwhelming glee to anger and depression.  Don't worry, these emotions are all healthy.  From my childhood all I ever did was stuff my emotions away, now I am just feeling things I have never felt before.  My eyes are red and sore from all the tears shed this week.  I only pray that what I have given up, was not given up in vain.  I never knew how much this had a hold on me.  I knew it had a hold on me but not to this extent.  I've cried these past few days as though someone dear to me has passed away.  But it wasn't a person, it was an idol.  A very cherished and loved idol.   

"Take it Lord... I pray You take it.  Restore this hole I have in my heart right now, God.  I yearn for the day when all this as been mended and restored and You are in your rightful throne in my life, as number 1, the only one."

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

"I knew that!...wait?...what?"

My tummy happened to be really hungry today and it started growling way before it's normal time.  Around 11:00AM.  Well all I had for food at work was oatmeal and I had already had that for breakfast. So I decided to go out to lunch today.  In my car, I have this totally awesome radio station on.  It's 95.3 PraisFM a NorthCentral University radio station (that's a coinky dink).   It's waaaay better than KTIS, who happens to repeat the same 10 songs over and over and over and over again.  Anyways that's a different subject. :) While going to lunch there was a speaker on the radio.  His name is Dennis Swanberg.  He was absolutely hilarious! He was doing voice imitations and everything, which were really good I might add.  His whole message was easy to listen to and had some great thoughts to ponder.  There was one sentence though, that just really got my attention.  I'm thinking I must have subconsciously believed this so that's why it hit home so much.   Consciously I was thinking, "I knew that!...wait?...what?"

He said something along the lines of, "Do you think God loves or favors Moses more than you?"  He was talking about all the things that Moses did in his life and how everyone of the Isralites were disappointed and not happy that God left all of Moses's work into Joshua's hands after he passed.   Well it got me thinking, Moses did such great work for God. I mean he led millions of people to freedom, he held the 10 commandments and saw God literally write them with His finger, he had more intimacy with God than people could ever imagine, his face was glowing because the Glory of the Lord was upon him.  He did SO much, he's a major part of the Bible's history and the Kingdom of God.  So I guess I look at my life and see what it is that I've done, and I can't even think of one thing.  I mean, if the devil held Moses in one hand and me in the other and told God to choose which one lives or gets thrown over the cliff, I can't help but think He would pick Moses.   (Of course, I know that this would never happen.  You can't put God in that situation, He's GOD, I am just using this as an example)  Consciously, I know that God loves me just as much as Moses or any other person, but I guess deep inside, I felt inferior to all the works that other Christians are doing.  God knew I needed to hear that He loves me just as much as He loves Moses or Abraham, or David, or Billy Graham or any other person. 

I'm SO glad I don't have to live up to Moses standards in order to be loved by God.

Monday, March 1, 2010

What's My Calling?

All my life, All I have ever loved to do more than anything is to Sing.  Sing in the shower, on my keyboard, burst into song if someone says a lyric in one of their sentences, sing at church, at weddings and much more.  It's been my life basically, I started singing before I can even remember.

My mother told me once that she used to sing to me a lot when she was pregnant with me, this must have done something because every time my mother would sing when I was little, I would just hug her and put my ear to her stomach and listen to her sing.  As you can see, singing started the moment I was in my mother's stomach. 

I've always had this dream to be able to have a career where I can use this talent.  I know I would just love it.  So I tried going to college for Music and because of loans I just couldn't afford it.  No loan lenders would accept me.  I think the one lender that did was going to charge me $1,300 in fee's, and a 23% variable interest rate.  My children's children would still be paying off that loan if I took that! As a result 5 years of trying to go to College for Music started drifting by, like a leaf on the river.  My hopes were slowly draining out of me overtime. 

I've had all the thinking that could possibly become of this situation pop up in my brain.  I've thought that maybe I'm just not supposed to go to college, I've thought maybe I'll just have to do it one class at a time and graduate when I'm 40, I've thought maybe God was telling me Music is not what He wants me to go for, or that the college I was trying for is not the one God wants me to go to.   I've even had my fair share of bitter thoughts overwhelm me at even the mention of NorthCentral or College, or when someone wins the Powerball. 

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday at Church.  She goes to NorthCentral.  She was saying that she heard the Chapel Pastor at NCU say that sometimes what your good at is not your calling.  If singing isn't my calling...then what is? Where do I go from here? What do I even do? I have no backup plan.  I just know and feel from the bottom of my heart that I am not supposed to be at my mediocre temp corporate jobs the rest of my life.  I'm meant for something.  Something bigger and better than I ever imagined.  I'm not saying I'm going to be the next Billy Graham or anything.  Definitely not that, but something. 

I feel like a high school senior who's trying to figure out what to do after High School.  Why am I feeling this at 22? At 22 I am supposed to have graduated from College and be working towards something.  I'm back to the very beginning with absolutely nothing coming across my mind as to what to do in life.  I've had so many different options, like daycare, teacher, interior designer, architect, flight attendent, hair stylist, Mary Kay consultant, and even the boring business degree.  (which I couldn't go to school for anyways) :) But I find the more options people give me, the more I get confused.  Because I really could do any of these.  But there's only one that God wants out of like... a bajillion other choices. 

So I guess I have a lot of thinking and praying to do.  This whole, "Letting God take control" thing is HARD.

Fast Forward 3 Years!

Wait... Is it really you? Yes, my friends and followers. It is me. I am back.  I have been continually reminded about my blog I used to upda...