I admit, I've never dated a guy in my entire life. Never been kissed, held hands with or any of that other mushy romantic stuff. It's not always been the easiest thing in my life to deal with. My only one true dream since before I can remember was to be a mother/wife. It's my one desire in life. When I was little I would often pray to God to hold off on the Rapture till I got married and had at least 1 kid. Funny I know! One day in class, the teacher asked us all what we wanted to be when we grew up. The other kids had great goals and aspirations of being a doctor, fireman, policeman, nurse, and all that. When it came my turn I without hesitation said, "I want to be a mother". Here I am 23 years old with no marriage in site. Some days it's been hard, some days I don't think about it, but then there are those days when God seems to just comfort me in those deep distressing moments of realization. I think he feels my pain. This past weekend was one of those moments. It was kind of funny actually. During that moment lying in my bed and seeing my usual pillow laying beside me and not my husband, whomever he is, I was reminded of a song. I think technically this song was meant for something else entirely but it totally fit in with what I was feeling.
"I will wait for the Lord my God, I will wait for the one whose worthy"
It's amazing isn't it? I will be patient with God, I believe He has someone out there for me. I believe He has not only someone out there for me but someone who is worthy of me." Two defining moments also came with this song throughout the weekend.
Saturday night I had movie night with some of the ladies. We watched Pride and Prejudice. It was at the moment when the main character Elizabeth Bennet was trying to make her father see that she actually loved Mr. Darcy and wanted to marry him, even though she had disdain for Mr. Darcy through the majority of the movie. Her father quickly noticed just how much she did love him and said, "I could not have parted with you, my Lizzie, to anyone less worthy." That just hit me. Towards the beginning of the movie, Elizabeth was proposed to by a suitor that would have made her unhappy. The fact that she waited, and refused to settle with anyone she didn't love. Back in that time it was highly unusual to wait for love. People married for money so their families could be supported. It just amazes me.
Sunday night we had a bachelorette party for my dear friend Cori whose getting married in 12 days. She is one of the sweetest girl I have ever met. She has been such an inspiration to me in so many ways since beginning to know her only a short 2 years ago. Her relationship with her fiancee is non other than God ordained. Her story compels me. I don't know that I have the right to tell it, but I will tell you this. It is an AMAZING story. God was with their relationship from the start, It was tested, it was tried. They passed with flying colors. At the end it proved. She was worth fighting for. He was worthy to marry her. This man never gave up. He truly loves her and she truly loves him back. I can tell you based on this relationship. True Love does exist. Watching how happy she was and how she has even changed qualities of herself so that she could respect him more and love him more and show that too him. It's just amazing. Looking back at her story, it makes me think. If God is capable of giving that type of relationship to Cori and Shaun, He is certainly capable of doing that for me. And personally, I think He WANTS to... but the timing is just not right. I'm not ready and frankly, maybe my future husband is not ready for me? I'm a lot of work! :)
Upon realization of all this. I felt extremely at peace last night, even when looking at my lonely pillow laying beside me, more peace being alone then I have in a long time. I just hope these feelings become permanent till that day comes when my daddy, both my human daddy and my Godly Daddy can walk me down that isle to give me away to a man who is worthy of me. One who will fight for me, love me, respect me, and honor me. I will never settle for anything less.
Thank you my Jesus for being everything I need and more.